I knew you had heath issues but I was confident that they could be managed by the wonders of modern veterinary science. Indeed you flourished for the first couple of years enjoying your life, putting on weight eating well and loving your walks, your fluffy tail held high like a jolly flag as you skipped along sniffing out interesting smells. In the evenings you would come and sit on my lap or by my side on the sofa and fall asleep, or you would curl up on the foot stool by my feet and doze contentedly. When my husband was away you would keep me company and sleep on my bed, your measured breathing lulling me to sleep. I would reach out in the night and feel your warm body, which was comforting and reassuring. When I was sick you would stay with me keeping me company snoozing contentedly on the bed, which you so loved doing. Because you were small, I could pick you up like a baby and hold you in my arms. I could rock you and kiss you and when I kissed you, you would lick me back. When I cuddled you, you would press your little body against me to cuddle me in return. You were the perfect companion.
Over time you started to become fussier over food. At first I wasn’t worried about it, I just thought you had got fed up with what you were eating and needed a change. I tried to tempt your appetite with a different kind of food and this would work for a time. It was when you went in for a routine checkup that the first warning note sounded. The vet said your teeth needed cleaning and you were booked in for this routine work. In the meantime you got sick with a stomach upset which turned out to be pancreatitis and it was when they did some blood tests because of the pancreatitis that they found a problem with some of your readings. Specifically in regard to your Leishmania count and liver enzymes and you also had mild jaundice. Because of this they recommended not going ahead with the teeth cleaning, as they didn’t want to sedate you due to the elevated blood results. You were put on medication to support your liver function and a liquid for the Leishmania. At the time the vet seemed a bit worried about the blood results and he mentioned that one of the options might be euthanasia rather than treatment. I was a bit shocked by this as I had not thought it was so serious, so I dismissed this as being an option for those that didn’t want the expense of paying for medication.
We did the course of treatment. You particularly hated the liquid for the Leishmania and it badly affected your appetite. You started eating less and less despite me buying different types of food. In the end the only thing you would eat was cooked chicken bits and pork cocktail sausages. This diet was not ideal, but as long as you were eating something that was better than nothing. The blood tests at the end of the treatment were disappointing as your blood counts had not improved by very much. I discussed other treatments with the vet and we tried to get hold of some injections rather than repeat the oral medication for the Leishmania, which you had hated so much and had put you off your food. We tried to get the injections from abroad, as we could not buy them in the UK, but although we tried Greece, Spain and Cyprus we were unable to purchase the injections, as they had been discontinued as a treatment for Leishmania and had been replaced by the oral medication you had already had and which had been unsuccessful. During all this time you were slowly losing weight. I tried very hard to get you to eat. Some days you would eat well others you would hardly eat at all.
When we returned from our trip to Cyprus at the end of February I was very worried to find you had lost a lot of weight and I could feel your bones under your fur. I also noticed your eyes were very yellow and I suspected another case of jaundice. I booked you in at the vet straight away. That night you came and lay down beside me on my chair and fell asleep by my side. The next morning at the vets I sat with you on my lap in the waiting room and cuddled you. The vet was very worried when he saw you and immediately carried out more blood tests. He called me later in the day to say it was not good news. You had lost a third of your body weight, you had a severe case of jaundice and all this was due to catastrophic liver failure due to the Leishmania. There was nothing more we could do. It was the end of the road.
The vet has a room for carrying out euthanasia. It is furnished much like a sitting room with a comfy sofa and pictures on the walls. The vet brought you in to us and left you with us for a while so we could say good bye. Despite my best efforts I could not stop myself from crying. I didn’t want to upset you or worry you in any way, but it was just beyond me. I held you very tightly in my arms. When the vet returned even he was crying. I asked him if I could carry on holding you while he administered the injection and he said yes. So I held you my baby, I held you so tightly in my arms. I kissed you and told you I loved you and that everything was OK. I heard the vet say you were at peace now, but I carried on holding you. You were still warm and because I held you so tightly I had not felt you relax and go limp. Then very gradually the warmth started to leave your body and I knew you had gone. My husband took you from me and lay you on the sofa. I removed your collar and said good bye. Your eyes were still open but they stared out unseeing, the spark of life had vanished from your gaze. I covered your face with a blanket and tried to compose myself as we left the room. It was only afterwards that I realized I had not thought about closing your eyes. Why had I not thought about closing your eyes? I should have thought about closing your eyes…